i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
