I cannot find my penis.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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