the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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