i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
