We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
