Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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