im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
