He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
