I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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