I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
