It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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