It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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