He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
