if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
