we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize