dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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