Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
