Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
