Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize