everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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