You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
