I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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