you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
