i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
