saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
