How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
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you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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