Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
