my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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