Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's rum buckets o'clock
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
