I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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