four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Hippo gnu deer
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
