I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
