just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
