so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
