bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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