Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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