No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
