Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
