i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
