I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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