i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
