And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
