They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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