my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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