the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Randomize
