Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Randomize
