Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
