i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
