woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
