just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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