Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
