I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
