well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
