Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
