I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
