Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
